Crying

Potsdam, Germany
06:00 pm
Cold, sunset


Hello,

I am currently very down. My great aunt is lying in ICU. On Friday she had gotten worse and I don’t know why, but the doctors decided to do a colonoscopy (a minimally invasive endoscopic examination of the large colon and the distal part of the small bowel). Somehow they punctured the colon and she was hurriedly taken to surgery. After 5 hours of endless waiting, my family got the news that she was back at ICU, still on ventilator. She got the tube out yesterday and they have her stabilized to some extent. She also has an artificial colon exit (colostomy).

Because of my nightshifts I had been unable to visit her prior to today. I wanted to cry when I saw her, but I did not, because my sister was there. But when Rina left and I was alone, stroking her hair, I was lost. When I was a little girl I sometimes spend a weekend at her apartment and she was the one stroking my hair to make me fall asleep.

The worst thing is, after that proud life she lived, she’s suffering away and all I can do is watch.

A.

We Are Born and We Die

Last week a little baby boy died before he reached his first birthday. I was there when he was born, I was there when he took his first breath and I was there when he stopped breathing for the first time. He had muscle dystrophy. May his little soul rest in peace.

Redecorating

Potsdam, Germany
10:01 pm
Very nice, but dark outside

Okay, for starters: Never go to IKEA without a plan what you are going to buy and without someone who can act as your consciousness. I did have a plan: get a mirror, get some tea candles and get out. I forget to take someone with me! Duh. I went out with a mirror, a couch table, a tea candle holder and several frames in different sizes. I forgot the candles. LOL.

Despite not feeling well (my stomach is queasy and I hurt everywhere), I spend most of my time today building that couch table and rearranging my living room. Here’s a picture what it looks like now.

My grand aunt was supposed to leave the hospital today and go into a short time nursing home, but she caught a very nasty stomach bug and will be staying at the hospital. I will be pulling 5 night shifts this week so I won’t be able to visit her before Sunday. My dad and sis will take care of that. I do not trust my mom further than I can throw her at the moment, which is a shame.

"Fight for your right."

A.

Warmth

Potsdam, Germany
11:19 pm
Nice outside.

Okay, not a single one of you is going to guess what I am doing right now?!

Nope.

Nah, but that was a good one.

No.

Well, I am sitting on my balcony, wearing a long PJ, wrapped in my favourite blanket, enjoying the light warm spring night.

It’s so wonderful to be able to do that after such an eventful day at work (with eventful I mean lots of work!). My feet are up, the light wind is playing with my hair, I am having some Ben and Jerry ice cream ( Caramel Chew Chew) and I feel really content to just sit here and watch the city sleep.

Yesterday, I was driving into work way too early so I found a nice parking lot (a rare occasion), scrolled my window down and shut my eyes. The wind was rustling in the trees, far away I could here work crews, the birds were chatting, cars passing me by. And what I realized just then was that I could just be me, right at the moment. No mask, no fake smile. Don’t misunderstand me, I try to be myself at work as much as I can, but when a parent doesn’t a agree with a therapy that ultimately would help his/her child or if it was a very stressful shift, I, like everyone else, sometimes have to force a smile and put up a “everything is in order” mask.

Kids are smarter than some people think. They now right then that we’re not being ourselves. It amazes me every single time, that when I have to hold a child down in order to insert an iv needle, they cry and fight, but when it’s over and I pick them up, most of them calm down immediately, put there head on my shoulders and their arms around my neck. And when I am having a bad day and am wearing my mask, some sense it, come up to me, gift me with a shy smile, give me a drawing to cheer me up or just raise there arms to give me hug.

And then people ask me why I love my job.

Night guys,
Hopefully soon more.

With much love and a big hug,
A.

In Sickness And Health

Potsdam, Germany
04:20 pm
The end of a beautiful spring day with dark clouds

Hello everyone,

Long time no read. Am just watching the movie “Ladyhawke” with Michelle Pfeiffer and Rutger Hauer and it is simply beautiful. Heart breaking story, some romance, special effects in the making. The day was exhausting, partly because this was my 7th day of work in a row and there are still 3 to come. I am so looking forward to 4 days off afterwards. So, here I am chilling. And as soon as it turns dark outside, I will light some candles and enjoy some Hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Okay, here’s what’s been happing to me in the last couple of weeks.

My parents are going separate ways now, my mom having moved into her own apartment. Currently, talking to my dad is much easier than talking to my mom. The guy she’s been dating for a couple of months now, is moving in with her and despite me having nothing against her being happy, it just feels funny, because she told my dad that it was over just a couple of weeks ago. Mom also has been kinda lying to me and sis about some things, which I hate more than anything. So far my dad has gotten his act together and is trying to rebuild his life as a single person. His biggest fear was that sis and I would want nothing to do with him anymore, which of course is not the case.

Sis is having health problems. Her stomach has been playing roller coaster with her and the doc thinks she’s having gastritis because of personal stress. Well, let me see, parents divorcing, new education, not being able to see her bf all week, well, yeah, kinda stressful. Which, by the way, did not occur to my mom, when she called sis and heard about her problems and what the doc had said.

My great-great aunt got out of the hospital two weeks ago only to be admitted again, last Monday. She has pneumonia and pleurisy; I will be trying to talk to a doctor next week. My aunt’s condition has worsened and she’s been gettting weaker and weaker. Because of my shifts I have not been able to visit her until this Saturday. She is still able to walk but needs constantly oxygen. At the moment she’s just skin and bones. Although she is hungry and would like to eat, a gastroenteritis has made it unable for her to do so.

It’s hard to see my once strong aunt as weak as she is now. Her will to live is weakening like her body. I know that death is more relief than pain for her. But at the moment I do not know what I will do when she passes away and takes a big part of my heart with her.

The second half of April will be my reward for getting over everything. 19 days off. My to-do-list: vistit friends in Berlin, go to the Pergamon museum, have an asian night at Sandra’s, watch a new movie at the Cinestar Original (in english), visit my cousin Ricarda (who will be having a baby soon), take walks in the woods (my therapy did some awesome things), go to IKEA, have a White Café Mocca and Double chocolate cake at Starbucks (heavenly), finish reading at least one book (I buy books when I get stressed out), spend some time with my godson Max, spend some time with Jana and her baby boy Yannick, play Sims 2 (including all the add-ons) till it dawns, make Rice Crispy treats, cook some receipes I always wanted to try, teach english, fix my LP-Player, spend some time with Dad, plan my trip to Chennai (India – whoohoo), go to the Harz and spend Walpurgisnight with friends.
Yes, I know it is way too much, but I am being realistic: if I manage to do at least one thing, life will be sweet.

I also have been doing something for my health. 2 weeks ago, I started Aqua fitness, which is more than fun and good for my joints. A friend also gave me a voucher for a 4 week training at a local gym, which I started last Friday. Boy, was I exhausted, but satisfied.

Okay, I guess that this is enough. The movie has been over for a while, my hands are getting numb from all the typing and it’s getting dark outside.

Stay positiv, don’t forget your dreams, it’s all worth it.

Love,
A.