Potsdam, Germany
10:30 pm
Clear night – many stars
Writing this is actually really hard for me. A baby died at work. It’s not something like that hasn’t happened before but this is different. The baby came to us grey and wheezing, I did everything the doc told me to till the ICU nurses took it into their care, 30 minutes later the short life ended. It moves me to tears every time I think about it. Like right now, I am crying. It happened so fast, almost as if it wasn’t real. But the grief in the mother’s eyes, the tears that our youngest doctor cried, everything was real.
The good thing is that I was able to function – the doc ordered – I did it. The bad thing is nothing could have helped the baby.
And after it died, we had to put away and keep working, which was easier than I thought. But at home, most of us collapsed in ourselves. Like a heavy weight that was suddenly trust on us.
The whole team had problems coping, so we talked today. About what we felt, what we still feel most. It helped me because I knew that I wasn’t the only one replaying everything for hours after I got home. I wasn’t the only one thinking that if I might have done something different, would the baby still live. I wasn’t the only feeling devastated, for all the great medicines that we have, there are still limits.
If you look up to the night sky tonight, you just might see a new star shining down on us.
Andrea
10:30 pm
Clear night – many stars
Writing this is actually really hard for me. A baby died at work. It’s not something like that hasn’t happened before but this is different. The baby came to us grey and wheezing, I did everything the doc told me to till the ICU nurses took it into their care, 30 minutes later the short life ended. It moves me to tears every time I think about it. Like right now, I am crying. It happened so fast, almost as if it wasn’t real. But the grief in the mother’s eyes, the tears that our youngest doctor cried, everything was real.
The good thing is that I was able to function – the doc ordered – I did it. The bad thing is nothing could have helped the baby.
And after it died, we had to put away and keep working, which was easier than I thought. But at home, most of us collapsed in ourselves. Like a heavy weight that was suddenly trust on us.
The whole team had problems coping, so we talked today. About what we felt, what we still feel most. It helped me because I knew that I wasn’t the only one replaying everything for hours after I got home. I wasn’t the only one thinking that if I might have done something different, would the baby still live. I wasn’t the only feeling devastated, for all the great medicines that we have, there are still limits.
If you look up to the night sky tonight, you just might see a new star shining down on us.
Andrea
3 comments:
Drea, u were very brave and i'm pretty sure u did everything u could..
i'm touched too..
that's life..
hope u feel better..
bye bye
love
Eliz
Drea,
Stumbled onto your sight. I cannot imagine. I am sorry and thinking of you and that mother tonight. I too have a little one and it moves me to tears to read this post. You were brave. To say more would be irreverant. Peace.
Andi,
I'm proud of you. I know you did everthing you could have done. You are very awesome, I know. The best you did with this child is to be closed to it. You did it, it didn't go away from earth alone. You was nearby and I think this baby has felt this. You are greatfully. Many kisses and love to you. Feel you be hugged, Peace.
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